i still remember the first time i went to the shriner’s circus …  the big tall armory building that seemed a ways to walk to. the sounds of carnival music. the air filled with popcorn, cotton candy and peanuts mixed with a smell i’d never experienced before . it felt like i was on a ride – spinning in a very happy place. our seats were right next to where all the performers and animals came out -  tigers and lions and elephants and ponies with big feather ribbons on their head & a pretty girl standing on top. the costumes were bright and glittery. the clowns wore painted smiles and frowns. i held my breath when the trapeze artists took to a swing high up in the air & covered my eyes when they walked above. why this little walk down an old memory…it’s exactly how i felt at the the watch city {stempunk} festival. no, not a circus, but it was that same childish feeling of giddy familiarity…different but the same feeling of excitement. there were calliopes & blacksmiths ….tall bicycle riders, fencing  &  Old House Parts, venders selling art, jewelry, clothing…and the unfortunate part – we only scratched the surface. though a steampunk gathering, it is really a celebration of the city of waltham’s history with watches (we will be returning to the museum). as for the portraits (or lack thereof), i’m a little shy to rush into someone’s face just cause they’re attired differently and assume it’s ok to take a photograph. that’s my own hangup that hopefully i can get over. at least i got the queen & lord of the event & … there’s always next year.

i’d love to know about your experience with a circus or interesting festival…just click on the title to leave one!

On the last day of the month, thinking about these shots of a shadow silhouette. What appealed to me beyond the figure silhouette was the railing – the bars can be viewed as both a barrier or a gateway. I had first tried photographing it on the pavement and wasn’t as turned on by the sharp quality so we moved to a spot where we were overlooking a small pond which softened the figure. And added the element of water -  I liked the quality made by the rippling waves and dots of fish. The more I looked at it, the more it felt like a dream sequence of a shadow self in a dream. The downward angle of the railing indicates a descent, a submerging into ones conscious or into a dream sleep; the second is somewhat confrontational – a self confronting oneself and the third points to a new direction. The fourth implies a coming out of the state as the glare of the sun on the side of the shadow indicates light & awakening.

Pssst….I’d love your comment! Just click on the title & add your thoughts with your facebook login.

 

I had the opportunity to participate in the Greater Boston PFLAG (Parents, Family & Friends of Lesbian’s & Gays) fundraiser event this evening and felt a need to share & comment about this organization & what it stands for. I learned about it by one of the families I photographed last year – two lovely mommies and their two year old – who thought I might be interested in participating & I did what I could in addition to attending. The program included a performance by the Cambridge Dance Center that was powerful and emotional. They danced to the Guns & Roses song “Welcome to the Jungle” and to say it was punch of reality is putting it mildly. After that, we heard stories from four scholarship winners in high school who were honored for their story & submission. I’ve heard the stories from many of my gay friends over the years and hearing those from these four really put things in perspective. I sincerely don’t understand what drives people sometimes and thankfully that’s not my role. What I can do is create photographs and work with families – ALL families — including those with two mommies & two daddies. So I created a PFLAG Pops – which is ironic considering this sculpture resides in a state where all rights are not honored – which is the intent. All people are colorful and have something to offer. All people deserve equal rights. Please choose to be one of those people who honor others.

Good friends are hard to find; those that walk with you for many miles, even harder. I feel blessed to have walked miles and miles with this one – won’t even say how many years. Was great to spend a little time with her & her family – loves of her life and here’s a few of our travels & time together  – xoxo linda.

 

It’s easy to share when I feel great and everything’s just coming along. It’s a different thing all together when a dark mood takes hold in the midst of feeling rather sour. Lately I feel like I’m back in art school with that sick feeling deep down of being on the outside looking in. It was sort of an elevated form of high school with one difference – I actually cared; I wanted so badly to BE creative, to be accepted, to feel part of; yet I felt lacking on every level and remained aloof. I remember the tears & the numbness; the moments of breakthroughs; the rides up & down that all led back to a space of not feeling good enough, artistic enough, relevant enough. This feeling sort of cuts me to the core and leads me to some really not so fun places…particularly when just last week I felt over the moon. This ride isn’t always a dream to be on & I often wonder why creativity & photography & fine art have to be so hard.

So…I thought it’d be kind of therapeutic to photograph schools as the overbearing larger than life void they’ve come to symbolize – and hoping maybe the exercise will help purge what is in the past.

I have always had a job — the 8am to 5pm, the 4pm to 2am or in the case of events, the 18 hour+ days. My first job was at 15 years old waiting tables. Some I loved more than others, but a job to me was defining and lent some kind of affirmation & general sense of purpose. Of structure. Of a point a, b, c to one’s day not to mention a paycheck whether large or small (& none of the hassles one has to deal with as a small business).

In  2007, I thought I scored the mother ship of jobs at Harvard Business planning events: the people I worked with were friends & colleagues; the content of the events were interesting; the places we held them and those who came equally interesting. The travel was cool, there was no email at 11pm or 6am, we had weekends ‘off’ and if all that weren’t enough, toss in a few European destinations along with south florida in the winter + vibrant cities in the summer. Yes, dream job on all marks.

One event allowed me the opportunity to visit Oklahoma city – where I hadn’t been since I left in 1996 for Seattle. It was the place I’d found art & photography. It was a place I’d sort of begun to grow up. And it was there that I dug out an old upscale point/shoot Nikon and took it with me to photograph.

I actually started photographing from that point on and saw the possibilities of being able to photograph wherever we went. I felt I’d hit the golden jackpot and was grateful to reacquaint myself with a medium I’d left behind so many years ago.

So with good feelings all around, the whole thing came crashing down in June 2008 when our department was closed & I found myself laid off – em unemployed.

I’d be lying if I said I processed this with any remnant of grace or elegance. I didn’t. I was angry, I was hurt, I was flat lined. And I was 44 years old. I felt washed up, washed out, dried up and I think in few months, I aged like 10 years. At least that’s how it felt. It didn’t help that I spent my days “atrophying” on the couch (so my husband told me).

I thought a lot about what I set out to do 20 years ago that I didn’t do; all the missed photography opportunities. All the missed art opportunities. I wondered who I was really. Who I’d become. All the dreams I had that were never realized and spent a lot of time in regret and feeling very sorry for myself.  It didn’t help that we had enormous pressing issues that were closing in.

And then one day I picked up that point/shoot camera. It didn’t matter what it was & I didn’t care. I walked, I wandered and I photographed. I began paying attention to the moment. To right now. And in that space, I found a sort of place where I could breathe again.

I didn’t know what I was doing, how I was doing it, where I was doing it. I was aware of very little other than “a moment”  and feeling a sense of freedom from my mind.
Were the photos any good? No. But they were beautiful in setting me back on a path I’d long since forgotten.

When I say photography saved my life….it did. It filled the gaping hole a job had always filled & brought me back to life by allowing me to see/feel and ironically provides a deeper sense of purpose and contribution than any job I’ve ever had. I’ve not only hit the parent of the mother ship of a job….i have life.

Starting a business isn’t easy; starting one later in life – not easy; starting a photography business later in life – insanity. Between the volume of those with the same idea, the endless amounts of information around how to, must & should not out there, it’s a wonder I’ve made it this far let alone writing about the journey – the peaks are easy enough, it’s the trails between them and the many drops below I haven’t been too keen to talk about. There’s a part of me that thinks – who cares. But maybe it’d be more honest to have to admit to many things I just don’t know and be very real about just how long I have / have not been in business.

With the shifts I’ve experienced of late, it’s feels right to be honest about who I am & what this road is like. I no longer feel like I’m trying to impress anyone (including myself) with an exaggeration of the truth. And it feels almost relieving to just cut to the chase and let it out. Maybe that’s why I’ve not been able to find a voice let alone enjoyed writing on my blog. I’ve been self-censoring to the point of silence…afraid of letting the cat out of the bag.

I’m relieved to say I have a voice. This road / path has not been nor is a walk in the park. It’s one of the most terrifying, maddening, mystifying things I’ve ever done yet it’s one that also brings a depth and a sense of joy. This is where I hope the shift continues.

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Strap in and be prepared for realness & a laugh here & there.

I’ve been working on (or should I be honest and say thinking about) a self portrait that combines scenes of my day to day … this is one of a few though seeing a need to rethink and reshoot much of it, but I like this one – husband writing & chatoune sitting at the door. Welcome to my day.

I am behind in my weekly project….do I have proper excuses in line? Oh yes – justifications are an easy out.

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